Biography: Jean Inez Smythe, my sister, is not dead.  She remains a vividly living memory for me, John Skowronski, her ½ brother, as I’m sure is also true for my son Ethan.  Both of us have enjoyed an extremely close and loving relationship with her.

Most obituary’s, by way of convention, are as lifeless as those whose life is being described.  The official version of this obituary, to be found in our local newspaper, conforms to that tradition and is brief and dull.  Due to the blessing and curse of computerization, I have the opportunity to take advantage of this venue to tell a short story about my sister’s life, at least to the degree that I recall and was made aware. 

Jean was known affectionately as “Tinker” to close friends and family.  Only our mother knows how that nickname arose.  I seem to recall our mother saying that she was a “tinkerer” and apparently that stuck.

Tinker’s story began with her birth in December,1939.  It was a tumultuous time for the world as WWII had been declared in Europe just a few months earlier in September.  From my perspective, this was somewhat of a harbinger of Tinker’s life, finding herself in a lifelong battle with our mother, a battle that seemed to be one-sided and unjust.  Tinker never seemed to engage, but my mother never seemed to desist in her sniping at my sister at every turn.  It seemed to anger me far more than Tinker, but more likely Tinker was able to contain her dismay more effectively than me.  I mention this not to demean our mother, but to provide a backdrop to how remarkable Tinker was in dealing with my mother up until she died.  As our mother aged and became increasingly difficult as dementia encroached on her brain, her already limited filters wore increasingly thin and unkind outbursts increased, largely directed at Tinker.  Somehow, my two sisters and me rarely were the target for her angst.  This was especially odd, since the one person that was almost always available and helped every day was Tinker.  As a busy physician, despite living next door, I worked long hours and could only assist so much.  My other two sisters lived in other parts of the country and weren’t physically available.  This left Tinker with a huge responsibility, one that she took on with few complaints.  I directly observed my mother’s verbal outbursts directed toward Tinker and I can assure you I wouldn’t have tolerated anything near the degree of unpleasant interactions as I witnessed.  I frequently suggested that Tinker stop making herself available as often, offering to help find other options to provide necessary care.  Tinker never entertained these ideas and persisted in coming to my mother’s aid at the slightest beck and call.  Truly a remarkable feat, one that I mention to highlight the level of love and devotion that Tinker felt toward my mother.  She mourned her ultimate death until the very end of her life, often relating to me how she thought of mother daily and missed her very much.

Tinker was born in Halley, Arkansas in the desolate, poor county of Desha.  Medical care was sparse and expensive and it was upon a beaten down kitchen table that she let out her first cries in this life, perhaps assisted by a mid-wife.  Tinker was the third child, the first being Ruth, born in 1934, Troy, born in 1938, Tinker in 1939, Verlie in 1942 and then me in 1955.  I was the only won born in a hospital, but even then, without the assistance of a doctor.  Shortly prior to my birth, the doctor came in to examine my mother with a group of interns announcing that they would shortly return as my birth was eminent.  Upon hearing about a group of interns watching her bare lady parts during the birth, mother proceeded to strain and push and popped me out unattended.  No free show for that group!

I know precious little about Tinker’s early life.  I do recall her telling me she married young, at about 16 or 17 to “get out of the house”.  Apparently, even then home life with mother was a challenge.  Admittedly, mother faced incredible struggles of her own that I’m certain shaped her tenacious, unflinching attitude.  She was married at age 12, had her first child shortly after, had 4 children by the age of 20 and had her firstborn son die in a tragic accident at age 5 when my mother was about 17 or 18 years old.  Apparently, my brother Troy took lunch out to his father Rue, and unbeknownst to his dad, climbed on the back of the tractor when it was stopped.  Rue, not knowing his son was on the vehicle, started it back up and ran over Troy causing his death.  Unspeakable tragedy for a young  family, likely a major contributor to their divorce soon after. 

Tinker’s first marriage didn’t last long, and I seem to recall it may have been annulled, but that is uncertain.  Tinker at some point went home to live with mother again.  She wound up living in New Jersey with mother and her new husband, John, who was my father.  Tinker loved my dad and told me she considered him to be her father, her biological father having left the family some time before.  Tinker only reconciled with Rue shortly before he died, largely at the urging of our sister Verlie. 

I was born in New Jersey and, although I have no recollection of it, Tinker was around for the first year or two of my life.  During this time she met her second husband John Barry and remained in New Jersey for many years.  My parents left New Jersey for the Binghamton, New York area to be close to my father’s family when I was about 1 year old.  I grew up in that area and remember Tinker visiting several times per year.  News of an impending visit always brought me great joy and excitement and the sight of her and John pulling out of the driveway left me with a deep sense of loss and sadness.

Tinker eventually left New Jersey when John transferred to Colorado with his job at the Post Office.  Somewhere during this transition, her marriage shattered, and I recall her coming home without John, sitting on the couch crying.  Only later was I told that John had cheated on her and she was going to get a divorce.  After divorcing John, Tinker found a new love, humorously with John’s boss Rich.  Rich and Tinker lived in California for a while, then when Rich decided it was time to retire, talk began about them moving to Arkansas.  By then, I had moved out of New York and had gone to Medical School and started my practice in Emergency Medicine here in Arkansas.  I was delighted with the news that I would be so physically close to my beloved sister once again.  Admittedly, time and distance had cooled our relationship and we had seen each other only infrequently during the years since I was younger.  Nonetheless, I was overjoyed at the prospect of renewing my close relationship with my sis.

I began scouting out possible houses and found a beautiful stone house on J street, the home where she lived until her death.  Her next-door neighbor ultimately became my long-term girlfriend, Laura Reed.  Her children, John and Kathryn Ann (KA), were quickly embraced by Tinker and spent many hours in her company. Tinker loved playing with them, feeding them and occasionally babysitting them.  Having no children of her own, this was truly a blessing for all involved.  A few years after John was born and a couple of months before KA was born, I had my son Ethan.  Tinker’s husband Rich had died shortly before, so Ethan rapidly became an important part of Tinker’s life.  He spent many hours at her house and loved getting to know John and KA.  John, being a little older, tolerated Ethan’s desires to play with him and they found common ground in video games and other activities.  He found a soulmate in KA who was his age.  For many years of their young lives, they were inseparable when they had a chance to be together.  Naturally, Tinker and Ethan developed a strong bond and I often joked that he had replaced me as Tinker’s favorite.  In reality, Tinker had plenty of room in her heart to love and pamper both of us.

From her back deck, Laura would spot Tinker in the early morning hours, and they would have coffee and catch up on the latest news.  Tinker loved to garden and Laura would join her on occasion to pull up weeds.  This offered Tinker an opportunity to de-stress from the strenuous interactions with mother and I have no doubt more than one of those weeds being yanked up were named Marie.  Laura provided a sympathetic and therapeutic ear, no doubt.

Tinker and Laura’s mother Barbara also became fast friends.  I recall hearing about how they would scour the papers looking for weekly garage sales, piling in the car in the early morning hours to find the goodies before anyone else could steal them away.  Barbara reportedly was known to precipitously jump out of the vehicle while it was still moving when coming upon an especially juicy sale.  Luckily, no reports of any injuries ever followed.

She got to know several other neighbors, with Heather and John being very special to her. They lived directly across the street, so they interacted often.  I always loving thought of Heather as the neighborhood earth mother.  Down to earth, caring, and all-around good person.  She seemed to ooze goodwill towards people and animals and the planet in general.  Her husband John had the same vibe and meeting him you felt like an old friend immediately. 

This relationship became very important as Tinker’s health and mental stability began to degenerate later in life.  In 2018, Tinker was found to have a large aneurysm at the top of her heart.  This was large enough that a coughing fit, hard sneeze or fall could have triggered a rupture and sudden death.  Surgery successfully removed the aneurysm and likely prolonged Tinker’s life by 5 or 6 years.  Unfortunately, this type of surgery can contribute to micro strokes which can lead to cognitive decline.  Tinker likely suffered this side-effect, and we began to notice she would have difficulty speaking what she was thinking.  This led to increasing signs of dementia and memory difficulties.  To the extent that she began to need increasing help in many areas of her life.  Heather and John noticed this decline and without any prompting began to assist Tinker with many daily activities such as groceries, appointments, helping with paying bills.  Heather even took on the task of learning what medications Tinker was taking and would organize her pills in envelopes to help her take them properly.  Heather and John are remarkable, remarkable people.  Saying prayers for others or wishing them well is important but coupling that with almost daily work and concern elevates their level of spiritual awareness and lovingness to a rare level.  I can’t commend them enough for the extraordinary level of care and concern they provided for my sister.  I have joked to myself that when I was in the neighborhood, if I heard a bird flutter their wings nearby, I would jerk my head up to make sure that these angels hadn’t decided to return to their heavenly home. Tinker truly loved Heather and John, spoke highly of them, and appreciated the attention they provided.

Tinker’s return to Arkansas not only was a blessing for Ethan and me, it resulted in spiritual revival for her also.  Not long after her return, Tinker began attending Trinity Assembly of God church, finding a church family and renewed faith there.  As a result of that association, she found a close friend in Charlene who attended the church also.  Tinker loved to cook, and Charlene loved to eat, so they were a great match!  Of course, they enjoyed each other’s company on a deeper level than just food, but I mention it partially to emphasize Tinker’s desire to feed everybody.  She had a strong desire to care for others and this was one tangible way to demonstrate her basic nature to give and provide.  I remember she would help others get to church, even driving long distances at a fair amount of inconvenience and cost to herself. 

While attending church she met another angel, Lena Brian.  At some point in her life, Lena decided it was her life’s mission to devote herself to helping others and this certainly was evident in the way she hovered over my sister, especially in her last days.  I lovingly think of Lena as a “compassionate bulldog” for her unflinching watchdog attitude toward anyone caring for my sister.  Like Heather and John, Lena took it upon herself to get groceries, meals, encourage Tinker to eat and helped feed her.  She took it upon herself to arrange doctor’s appointments then take Tinker to the appointments and keep track of the recommendations made.  As Tinker began having other caregivers come to her home, Lena would cast a stern eye at everything they were doing, documenting the care given, times they came and went and didn’t hesitate to express concern to me and the staffing agency if things weren’t being managed to her expectations.  Unfortunately, with the state of health care being disjointed, having an advocate like Lena is an invaluable resource.  Each visit to the hospital was initiated by Lena and she was present at every ER visit and hospitalization since.  Her level of care and concern was just as extraordinary as that provided by Heather and John.  Ethan and I are extremely grateful for the exemplary service that these people have given to our family.

There are many more stories and other people that have been helped or have helped my sister.  Tina and Havis come to mind, having helped on more than one occasion.  There are others and I apologize for not including everyone.

Although Tinker never made the news for her accomplishments, I believe she made a significant impact on several lives.  As for me, my life has been much richer by having her as my sister.  Few siblings have a relationship as deep and loving as we had.  I don’t recall ever getting seriously angry or exchanging cross words with her.  I suspect few siblings can match that sentiment.  Her patient, loving attitude created a better life for our mother and her late husband Rich.  She was long-suffering with both as they dealt with their personal demons and exercised them in her presence.  I can only hope to approach the high standard she set for me and I’ sure Ethan feels the same.

My greatest comfort is knowing that she has found peace.  About two weeks ago, Lena the Long-Suffering (new nickname…) called me because while she was sitting with Tinker at the rehab center, she noticed Tinker looking upwards and heard her commenting about how beautiful it was.  I’m certain she was being offered a glimpse of her new home and it sounded heavenly.
I miss her.
 
For those that would like to honor Jean Smythe and contribute to the legacy of the Trinity Assembly of God church, please consider making a donation on the website www.tagchurch.net.  It offers several ways to support their mission.  Better yet, consider attending services there and pay attention to the good news being shared by Pastor Maynard and his associates and I’m sure, one day, you too will look up and see the heavenly plane seen directly by my sister in her preparation for departure from this plane of existence.
Many blessings to you all.